I’ve started this blog today so many times and have deleted it again and again because every time I’d write something it wasnt adequate enough of how I am feeling. Let me try and get thru this as gracefully and as concisely as I can.
I’ve protected my heart my whole life because I was terrified that it would get hurt. It’s taken me years to get it to a place where I was comfortable with it. Years of convincing myself that I was worthy of my dreams,desires,and passions. And even then I was terrified of what would happen if I allowed it to feel. I allowed it to come out of the shadows to face the reality of its existence. But as in life sometimes the reality of fear is justified. Unfortunately!!
I’ve never lived my life in lies. I don’t have to. My heart doesn’t lie not does it need to. Some would say everybody lies. “NEGATIVE ” I don’t and never have. Lies destroy the heart. I know this so well right now because I’ve faced the reality of walking thru hell today due to lies. From facing the reality that I’d been lied to and have been taken for granted by someone who i love has been extremely painful. Indescribable pain. So bad in fact it’s taken my breath away making me silently scream again and again and weep like I’ve never weeped before. People don’t understand what pushing someone thru lies can do. It paralizes you. Takes your existence away. Destroys what is your heart and soul. ( here I am again thinking I should delete this but nope I have to push thru this hell).
It’s hard to put it in context but when you believe someone loves you and they tell you that you can not fear and be yourself when you lay you life out as an open book in front of them and then they deliberately accuse you of a sin you are not guilty of and become vividly furious about that just for you to find out that they’ve with held something so serious from you that it could change the course of everything. It changes the scope of your heart. It breaks you down. You feel lost,disconnected, betrayed, hurt, pissed off,angry,sad,crushed and lost but mostly that old perpetual fear shows it ugly head. That same fear that I personally have been fighting my whole life. When you truly love someone your heart cannot lie. Love is not something that can be lied about or in. It will eat you at your very core to do. When you love someone you trust their heart. You don’t keep them at bay and only give them tidbits of yourself. It either all in or not at all. Being terrified is also a form of fear. It’s an extreme form of it. It can create a situation where you may feel like your losing. Especially when it has to do with say like the unknown or not having answers. Now imagine being that terrified of losing your heart. Your worst nightmare come to life. What do you do? Would you sit back and wait for some word or would you turn over every single rock till you find them? When you know in the pit of your gut something is wrong,would you just sit and wait? Now imagine that you’re dealing with that for day, after day, after day. Would it deplete your strength or would you reach out to ask for strength and positive thoughts? Or would you just act natualantly as if nothing mattered. Which would you chose? For me there was no question with any of it. I had to fight to keep my heart. But with most things fear can get in the way of your heart.
I don’t have any answers and would never claim I would and far be it for me to to say otherwise. All I am sure of is that when fear cripples you,you have to stand up and say “ENOUGH” !!! To fight for your heart takes courage but remember to do it with truth because anything else would make you less then you are.©
heaven's sent 