The tears I’m talking about are thoes tears which fall from the deepest parts of your soul. The ones which make you want to scream but when you open your mouth nothing comes out. The ones which takes your breath away and make you fall to your knees. I’ve been doing a lot of this kind of weeping lately.
Things have happened which have brought with it this sheer kind of pain. Things which have been clearly stated have been taken out of context or should I say misconstrued. Things which with open communication could have avoided these soul tears,but as in life not everything is as simple as that.
I’ve dealt with quite a number of issues from my sister’s fight with now lung cancer to almost losing my Bonzai to my stent in the hospital with a minor heat attack ( now back in quarantine for another 6 months) when I became stressed out due to some involvement by some unscrupulous individuals in my life,to now the knowledge that the love of my life my very heart is dieing( only finding out about it today after being with him for nearly a year). Compile that with losing one of my best friends of almost 4 years ( again today). These are just a few things which in the past few months that “Life” has handed me. Now, most people would agree that’s more then one soul can take. You think? I certainly do. That’s why I’ve been weeping soul tears.
I’m not the kind of person that plays games with my heart. It’s to dam precious of a treasure to me. You see. I don’t love easy. And as such I take every beat it beats as a gift. Let me tell you a story
Over 3 years ago I meet someone who would become the love of my life. Unbenonced to me at the time. He started off as a good friend but over the course of time I fell deeply in Love with him. Sight unseen. I was terrified because it was the first time I fell in Love with anyone like that and I was not used to opening up my heart to anyone because I’d had been hurt by so much in my life spanning from my childhood. It took me several years to get up the courage to even be honest with him about how I felt. We spent the majority of time watching movies ,laughing,and talking about life. My Love grew exponentially for him so fast and deep that sometimes I was overwhelmed by it. There were things that were planned and even a promise ring was sent and given of future promises. Now, here’s where the story takes a turn. Most of the time things were good,happy but a really important thing was forgotten about which was open communication between us. Instead of keeping thoes lines open and talking things thru. Things were taken out of context misread and unsaid. Including the fact he was dealing with an illness that will likely kill him. My life was and has been an open book to him. He knew everything. Nothing was hidden from him. I don’t believe in hiding anything. He opened doors for me to experience things I never had before. But, “Life” can be a cruel mistress. He believed I had done something so wrong against him that he couldn’t see past it. Due to someone who had set their course to hurt and destroy both of us. The fact was all I did was show how much I did Love him. I because of my Love for him I could never hurt him. He was everything to me. But instead of speaking to me about it he became so angry with me over it. I pleaded with him and tried to defend myself but by this time he had been lead to believe that I had committed an unforgivable sin. No matter what I said it didn’t matter. He lashed out at me as if I was his mortal enemy. My soul felt crushed beyond repair. This morning he put out a statement to everyone which read that he was chronically ill. And probably would not make it. I fell to my knees screaming silently weeping these soul tears begging the Creator to take me and show him mercy. Round about the same time while I was still reeling on a downward spiral from this, one of my best friends of almost 4 years messaged me and started to say somethings that sent me flying for a loop. I won’t repeat them out of consideration even tho none was shown to me. As a result of this I lost my friend. I got hit with an overlapping trauma. I silently screamed some more. My soul tears flooded my heart and stained my face. These soul tears only come from a deep loss of a connection. The ultimate grief.
Now I’m not sharing this story because I want I’m sorry or pity. I’m sharing it because I think it’s important to distinguish between tears that flow normally and soul tears and how I came to have them. My world collapsed, in fact it exploded today. I don’t know what’s going to happen to my world now or my future. Most who know me know I write pieces about Love,passions,desires,and intimacy. I don’t write them out of knowledge but out of longing for them because I have dreamt my whole life for that connection. I don’t know if I’ll ever allow myself that freedom again to let my heart fly like that. Time will be the story teller of that.
All I know is this that if you cry these soul tears you’ll know but I don’t wish this on anyone. If you Love someone tell them and if there’s a question in your relationship ask them because things can be misread and taken wrong and out of context. Don’t put on someone you Love the stain of soul tears.
I cry out isn’t I who you promised oh my Heart show mercy to your words. Take not my soul from me. For I showed no fear with these tears. Which stained my face clouding blue eyes and extinguishing their life never to dance again©
heaven's sent 