So, I’ve struggled with this blog today. Normally, I can sit and write with no trouble. But after seeing and reading what I have in the past 24 hours my head has been filled along with my heart with so many words of what I want to say. I’ve said them out loud and even went and did some research because I wanted to make sure 100% that I knew what I was talking about.

The subject of this blog, can be classified under several subject matters,so for me to try and give it one or the other has been difficult.

You know this life is hard enough without having someone who thinks they know you tell you all about you😒 let me try and clarify for you what I mean… Thoes who know me know I don’t get angry. It’s not something which is ingrained in me, but what I’ve read made me pissed 😡. First, let me tell you why I am so pissed.

I’ve come across someone who believes that taking away the basics of being a human being is a positive thing. That negative remarks would somehow get one to become motivated to change.😒give me a break!!!! I saw this person actually say that people should be dissapointed in themselves for not changing like they should. (Please!!!) Then a response came from someone who said”whoa, aren’t you being unfair to the ones who are busy trying to change” almost immediately he responded and said.. that individual who responded was being judgmental and that She was being disagreeable. That she could diagree without being disagreeable.What shocked me more then anything was that he acted as if that somehow what was asked was offensive. When I saw this one word came into my head. “Narcissistic “. In other words someone who can dish out criticism but when it’s brought back onto him can not handle it.Someone who manipulates others by making himself out to be higher the others. Smh…This same person is the one who wants to remove all the things in ones life which you expiriance as being human.

The human expiriance in this life is necessary for one to grow and learn from. All the emotions and feeling we go thru on a daily basis, negative or positive are there for us to expiriance and process and grow from. Let me ask you something.. what do you think we would ultimately become if the basic core of what makes us living human beings were eliminated? Oh, we would still exist but at what capacity? We would become robotic and would just go thru the motions of being alive.The fact is, what makes us unique is the basic ability to go thru every day experiencing feeling and emotions. Now look, far be it for me to tell anyone how to live their lives, but my hope is that you would choose to live the way we were intended to live. You are worthy of being human and everything that goes along with that.

Now as most of you know if you’ve been following me and reading my blogs, that I’ve had major pain in my life in the recent past. Going thru what I’ve gone thru it’s taken every ounce of deep strength to keep myself from disappearing. Which, God knows I wanted to. I actually felt incredibly unworthy after going thru my expiriance. I felt like a leper. One moment I’m flying in a comfortable warm loved connection. The very next moment I felt dead. All while I was in the hospital being diagnosed. I questioned why I was still here. Thru giving and opening my heart for the very first time. I placed myself into a position to feel and say and do things which were not common for me. And I felt somehow it was my fault. I ended up carrying major guilt. I had to fight really hard to learn to forgive myself pretty quickly,because I felt myself slipping into this abyss of becoming robotic and just mimicking life. For me that wasn’t an option and considered seriously ending it because the pain was so incredibly deep. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone. I literally felt like garbage. But, from somewhere deep inside I heard a voice telling me it was ok for me to feel. That everything I was experiencing was part of the human journey. Oh, trust me, I went thru every emotion and feeling from a-z and back again..I had to learn it was ok for me to feel and have emotions. To be my unique and authentic self.

So, what I’m saying is don’t buy into this crap that you have to quit being human by taking and eliminating the basic foundation of what makes us human. Don’t drink of the poison which tells you that you are not good enough. Because, I don’t know what you believe but for me I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God doesn’t make mistakes,and if you are here going thru the human journey then trust me you’re being prepared for something far greater.

Can you see my eyes dance? They sparkle at the thought of life. If you look really close, you will see my heart which still beats at the very thought of living deep.i will not conform to the thought that I am not good enough.I am worthy, unique one of a kind. ©

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter… MLK

I am going to pull out my momma boots here because I have something to say that I hope stikes a cord with some of you… It may upset some ,while others my hope would be that they take a good look inside themselves…

As I have scrolled thru my Twitter feed today. I have come across and have read posts, which make me want to go to the nearest tree and get a switch to whip some of your butts.

Let me ask you all something… ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???? Look, I don’t care what side of the aisle you have decided to plant your butts on with certain people but let me give you all a reality check…

Some of us pray we wake up everyday.Some of us wonder if our hearts are going to continue to beat. Or if we can catch our next breath. Some of us are fighting just to stay alive.But as I sit here today, reading these posts I’m wondering if you even comprehend not only the scope of the seriousness of this, or whats at stake if God forbid something goes wrong. I know some of you do considering you either have some working knowledge of the medical field and some of you have dealt with the possibility of your own mortality. So riddle me this..WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WASTE YOUR TIME WITH HATE AND ANGER AND RESENTMENT???

Life is not a game. It is not something to be taken lightly. It is here one moment and gone the next. For tomorrow is not guaranteed to us. For some of us, we live on borrowed time. It hurts my heart ( and NO I am not triggered) to see people I have admired and valued and supported become so complacent,( if you don’t know what this means look it up) with their value of others and of life in general. They have shown hatred,and resentment,and complete utter contempt for others.

Today, someone we all know, that has touched us in one form or another. Is facing something ,which quite frankly a lot of you couldn’t even phantom. I don’t know if some of you would even have the fortitude to go thru something like this.You may think you do but make no mistake. The strength and courage it takes to face unimaginable odds like this is not something that comes easy. It takes a warrior to meet things like this head on and come out the otherside. When you face something like this.. You wait with baited breath. You count every beat of your heart. You question your life and wonder if you’ve been a good person. It raises other questions, that you try to answer. It takes your breath away. You ask yourself if there is anything unsaid or left undone. Not everyone is the same either, so it affects each one differently.

Instead of voicing anger and hatred of the world.. I challenge each one of you to think before you speak. I’m not asking you to give up your freedom of speech, just think before you say something. Because what does it serve to tell someone to go die or to show such hatred to others. It only gives you momentary satisfaction. The real satisfaction comes from the courage that you show thru compassion. Don’t take this life for granted… PLEASE…🙏

I want to clear some things up so here we go!!!!

Shortly after joining Twitter ,I thought I had made a friend. He said all the right stuff and was charming and what not. He would send flower and rose emojis to me and say some really thought provoking stuff. He asked for my number and I thought why not. You see, for 20 + years I lived a life of solitude due to the actions of my ex. So I gave him my number and started up a conversation. Almost immediately it occurred to me that I had possibly made a huge mistake. He asked me about myself and as I told him my story, he would keep interjecting himself making subtle comments. Like hope didn’t exist. That it was a facaed, something man had made up and that I needed to come to terms, I would eventually have to meet up with my ex. That I had to be ready for that meeting. He kept saying to me are you ready.. Then, he asked me about payment.. I was stunned by his arrogance. Saying he wanted to get that out of the way.it was as if he hadn’t heard a word I said. Let me back up a minute.

Almost 20 some years ago. I almost lost my life. I had been married and had been with him for over 15 years. Before the marriage there was no indication of harshness. The day we got married all that changed. The daily beatings began and wouldn’t stop.I had been schooled to do what was expected without question and this became the norm of everyday life. I did exactly what I was told to just to save peace.On that fateful night I had been out grocery shopping and came home with a ton of bags. When I walked into the kitchen, I found my ex at it with my best friend. I got really mad and grabbed her off of him . I took her outside and left her there. Yes, I was incredibly angry. When I came back inside .. long story short.. He broke my back miss killing me by less then an inch. Broke my jaw in 3 places, ruptured my spleen and tore my rotator cuff. He left leaving me there for dead. I was in a coma for 2 weeks coding twice. I had to relearn to walk,talk,eat,go to the bathroom all over again. Everything that you do everyday that you take for granted, from the simplest things to the hardest things . I had to relearn. Took me 9 months to do so. But I did it and walked out of that hospital, despite being told I’d never walk again!!! During thoes first 2 weeks after the attack , my family insisted because of who he and his family were that, I have some protection. His family was extremely influential in the town and hid him for over 9 months. So, the judge ordered partial protection. They couldn’t go full, due to me not being able to moved. The deal was that they were to protect me but allow me as much of a normal life as possible. Not interfering with my life but only to monitor who came into my life. Well, during that phone call,which had to be on speaker phone ( at that time all my calls were),there was someone there listening to the conversation. He said after I hung up that he saw all the color leave my face and that the eventual meeting this man spoke about would never happen.I was terrified. It took me weeks to settle myself back down. I never spoke to this individual again. Now back to present day.

There is a reason I am saying all this. I have seen this person take and go after the most vulnerable people in the world. People who are depressed,lonely, down,ect. And take them and break down who they are by telling them everything they do is wrong,and rebuild them using “his formula”.All while getting paid. There is a word for this. It’s called “grooming” I’d know. I’m a product of being groomed.

Now, let me real clear here. I am not resentful or angry for what’s happened to me in my life. It’s made me who I am today. Unique and strong in my resolve and in my Faith. But, I after pouring my heart out the other day, came on to find he had left a statement. Telling me what I had to say was regurgitated rhetoric😠. Big mistake.!!!!! Now, I feel it’s important I should say how I feel because to me there is nothing more important then a person’s own uniqueness. One size doesn’t fit all in this world. You can not expect everyone to fit your 1 mold. It doesn’t work that way. You want to help someone you don’t break them down. YOU LIFT THEM UP.. IT’S CALLED “A HAND UP”

For most of you.. You know what’s transpired recently to me and the diagnosis I’ve been given.I’m continuing to fight with every breath I take and with every beat of my heart. I don’t want pity or I feel sorry for you statements. But there is something you can do. Reach out to someone that you know is having a bad day or going thru a rough time. The smallest act of kindness can change a life. If we do this then people like this person I spoke of wouldn’t have a reason to take advantage of people.

This was about one person who nearly cost me. But this person has. Meddled in my life more then once. And that story I will be writing about soon.

If you see an Angel what will you do? Would you go up to it or be ashamed of your actions and run from it? There are earthly Angels which have been sent. With messages of Peace, Kindness, Compassion,Faith, Hope and most of all Love…Would you be accepting of them or show them hate. The choice is ultimately yours. No one elses..©

This is an open letter to my ex..

You tried to take from me my life. But by doing that you sealed your fate. I do not celabrate your karma,but I do celebrate my Freedom. No longer do I have to hide from your poison.

The injuries you inflicted on me didn’t accomplish the job you wanted, but only strengthened my resolve. My strength came from deep inside me. By your own hand you foretold your own poison. You tried to kill a pure heart and a just soul. But failed…

I’ve had to hide for 20+ years and when the Marshals called me this morning to let me know, that I was finally free. I paused for a moment, because that meant you were dead..in that I take no joy,however I can now say.. I forgive you and truly be sincere. For your pain is just beginning. I will always have the affects of your actions,but they will no longer chain me.

So to thoes who read this. Heed my warning.. Becareful who you set to hurt. For it may just be a pure heart and a just soul,and when You do You will set your own fate. I can breath again. 💜 ©

What does one say when told that the one thing they’ve tried to protect..Is the one thing that will take your breath…. I can’t even begin to describe to you what’s in my heart and soul today. I have gone thru every letter in the English language to find a suitable word but alas, it’s indescribable.

I am screaming on the inside. I’ve tried to open my mouth but nothing comes out. I feel a pain so substantively deep in the deepest part of my soul. It physically hurts beyond words or imagination.

Today after almost a week of medical testing I was given the results.. They were not what I had hoped for. In fact, they were horrible. I have stage 4 C.H.F. The Dr asked if I had a bucket list and that I should start crossing items off the list. He gave me a year at best. I heard nothing else…

For most being told that information. They’d ask questions, but me, I’m not typical I guess. My mind went immediately to him. He doesn’t know. How am I going to let him know. When that predictable time comes.. He wouldn’t even know. I lost my breath for a moment, realizing that. I think that hurts the worst. Since he’s left there has been no contact and I keep thinking if he were to find out after, he’d carry such guilt. I don’t want that for him. I want to tell him myself and let him know my heart and soul, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. I don’t want him to be with me out of some sense of obligation. How do you tell the one who resides in the bottom of your soul that your heart will cease to exist?

Because of my training and schooling, I know that death is and always has been a fact of life. I am not afraid of that. Yes, o I am curious as to what is on the other side, but I don’t want to quicken this..I don’t want to become one of thoes who are angry, or why me.. I worry more for thoes who I’ll leave behind. Maybe, if I pray hard enough, hope enough. My wishes will come true.

She cried out.. Father what will happen to me? Will the pain in my soul cease? Will I be granted to be near him after? To protect him? Will I be given my wings back? Or will I cease to exist at all? Who will remember me? Have I done enough? Dry my tears and set comfort into my soul. For my tears are worth more then gems. And Heaven doesn’t want to lose this Angel.. ©

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To feel once more. She cried;I done nothing to be so alone. These tears, the pain in my soul. Never ending grief. No human could survive. I do what is instructed and share the Love and light. Just to see it fleetingly pass me by. No one seems to see me. Or the suffocation of my soul. Do not turn on the pain I endure. A human heart damaged beyond repair. The meaningless bottomless pit of my soul which can only can be filled by his hands. She cried.. Why must it be so…©

Someone said today that Love is built. Fair enough. For some yes. However, I believe Love is found… in the darkest of places. I am a prime example of this…

Love, many think comes from the heart, but no… Love starts deeper. It starts in the deepest part of the soul. Love is all emcompassing. It doesn’t boast. It chooses you. Now, you may think you choose Love,but you dont. It shines a beckon of light thru the darkest of storms.

Love will seek out 2 souls who cry out,and who’s hearts and souls are feeling their lowest and ache with desire and passion. It will shine into them. Now, there are many forms of Love. The type of Love I speak of is between 2 hearts And souls. When it finds you, it feels like you’re smacked. It takes your breath away and breaths new life into you. It makes your soul sing.

I tell you this… if you feel it and don’t act on it, then you will feel so empty. You won’t be able to concentrate on anything. You will ask that never ending question… “what if” It will eat at you from the inside out. The ache will become never ending.

Love, is a breathing, living entity. It surpasses any emotions or feelings. It even goes beyond the physical. Some would say, you have to sacrifice your heart for Love. I disagree. You never have to sacrifice your heart for Love.

This type of Love is not an entitlement. It is a gift, freely given. Now, I told you I was an example of this… Love actually found me.. I wasn’t looking for it. I had gotten used to my life the way it was. It hit me so hard. I wasn’t prepared for it. But that’s the way it is. It was a deep connected Love. Something ,which I couldn’t deny or resist. God knows I tried. I allowed myself to feel and soar. It felt so right. Like I’ve Loved him for so long.. so for sometime I was given the gift of this Love. Sometimes the timing is wrong, and that was the major problem in my case. So, sometimes Love gives you enough Love to let them go. Which I had to do. I think out of anything I have gone thru was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. I literally felt my heart and soul explode. But here’s the thing… I know in his soul he will feel this Love we had and will keep it close. And if the powers at be grant it… He’ll find me again. That’s the connection I speak of. Yes it hurts beyond words that I had to watch him walk out of my life, but he has to do what he needs to do first in order to fully accept what Love offers, and for that I love him more

Angels heart is beyond repair. Nothing but tears from her soul. She begs for mercy. To feel this once more. Her heart and soul are fragile. Not readily shown. For her tears are worth far more then any earthly gems. And when and Angel cries… Heaven loses an Angel…©

You say I’m loved when I can’t feel a thing. You say I am strong when I feel weak. And you say I am held when I’m falling short. And when I don’t feel I belong you say I am yours. I keep fighting voices in my mind saying I am not enough. Every single lie it tells me I will never measure up. Am I more then every high and low. That’s when you remind me just who I am. Because you know I need to know.
Sorry this just popped into my head…

A key was given in trust. To a long protected box. Never opened once. For fear of tears. The key was turned. The top pushed back. To reveal it’s rarest piece. Rarer then diamonds and jewels. The holder of the key. Looked at the piece and said.” You’re not worthy ” and smashed it at his feet. It was heard around the world. For only one of it’s kind existed. The pieces were gathered and put back into this box. The key was laid on top inside. The top was closed and locked. Never to reveal it’s beauty once more.©

I have never soared on the wind until I met the Love of my life. Now, I may have to give up something that made me feel more alive then I ever have in my lifetime😢. God I never thought I’d hurt so bad. I haven’t had the luxury as most have who have experienced unconditional love. I was taught to put others first.Oh, I was told I was loved but their selfish greed and lies showed me no quarter. I was beaten, raped and abused and nearly killed, in more then one way. Taken advantage of and thrown away like yesterday’s trash. Told I was worthless, and not worthy. I had gotten used to the way things were and maybe should have accepted my life the way it was. I don’t know I only know that when Love showed up I wasn’t looking for it. It took me by storm and knocked me to my knees. It took my breath away and breathed new air into my life. I felt so alive. Like my feet were not touching the ground. I’ve never felt my heart so full.But sometimes in life happiness is a fleeting thing.And for some of us we will never be gifted the right to fly. For some of us like me our lives were laid out long ago. Let me explain.

At the age of 6, I was sent to live with my Sensei and his wife. My Father and mother didn’t have time for me, and they figured that if I was busy being trained I wouldn’t have time to get into trouble. I wasn’t allowed to wear pants or to speak without being spoken to. And was do do what I was told to do without question. While I was being broken and groomed to be who others thought I should be,I was taught ultimate loyalty and service. I was a child knowing no better and accepted the way it was because I trusted the adults. This all followed me into my adulthood. I was extremely shy. I didn’t go out, never was one of thoes who frequently dated. I stayed alone alot. I put my heart and soul into a strongly locked box knowing I would never take it out. Never feeling worthy of it.Until that the day I met the Love of my life.

I was terrified, petrified, and terrorized by the thought of releasing my heart. I didn’t expect that I would ever feel like I did. Like walking on the wind. Pure freedom of thoes chains that I had been bound with. I smiled, laughed, sang and danced. Feeling like no one could hurt me. I opened up myself to feel Love for the first time. My heart and soul were on fire. I felt a fierce deep connected Love. It was warm,unselfish, unjudgemental. So hot with passion and the deepest desire. It literally took my breath away. I have always dreamt of this kind of love. I loved the way it made my heart and soul feel. Nothing could touch me.. It allowed me to say and do things that I never thought I’d ever say and do. To know that love wanted me too sent my spirit soaring so high making me feel beautiful and exotic.

But life has harshness to it. It complicates things which are filled with love and light. It’s hardness trys to destroy what’s real and true. It devastates what pure. It trys to kill the heart. It literally makes your heart and soul explode. I’ve known pain before but not this kind of pain. I call it white pain. You feel so utterly lost. Disconnected from humanity. You try and fight thru it but you end up feeling like your suffocating. A drowning of sorts. I am numb. Just want to scream.

For me, the complications of this life have been overwhelming. Even tho I have had an independent spirit. It’s made me realize I am to blame. I pushed out of fear of losing this Love and as such created more conflict and complications. My want and need for this had such a hunger a deep settled desire that I didn’t realize I was possibly driving it away. I pray I am wrong. If I am right tho and have lost, I will blame myself for my lifetime. I will never forgive myself.

So, if you come across the Love of your life,which makes your love live, then grab it . Hold onto it, and never let go. Don’t let this life and it’s conflicts and complications dictate it’s course. My tears will never cease.. I will always love the Love of my life;The life of my Love…

Was given a small taste of my hearts desire. Only a tease you get said life. For you do not deserve,and are not worthy. I cry out why? Life laughs pompisely. Your Angel pain is worth more then one solid ounce of happiness.Said life…For when Angels lose their tears, heaven loses an Angel.💔©