I would like to tell you a story
Growing up they way I did. And going through everything I did. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have particular dreams. Dreams,which yes most little girls have. Although,for me, it wasn’t the typical dream of a house with a white picket fence,2 kids and a garage. Mine was more ; at least to me was simplified. It was simple. I just dreamt of someone who loved me and who I could love back. I guess that in a way you could say that dream kept me alive. At least, it kept my heart alive. To me that dream was a hope that never died. No matter what I went through,as long as I kept that dream I was going to be okay.
Growing up that dream followed me into adult hood with the voice telling me it would be ok. Over the years it became louder and prominent. It would say” Don’t worry.. I’ll be with you soon and it’s going to be okay.” It became a place inside me that I could run to during the times I was going through beatings. And I held onto it so tight during my recovery from the attack. As the years past however, it started to become evident that my hope may have been for not. But,as life is… It has this habit of smacking you right when you think you’re losing hope. That’s what happened to me. It gave me that dream.
It was something that I’d never felt before. I couldn’t even catch my breath. I felt like I was flying. But, if you would to ask me if I knew what I was doing. I wouldn’t tell you a lie and say yes. Because I didn’t.. I was terrified to let go and accept things. And when I say terrified I mean it was a fear I’d never experienced before. I asked myself so many questions about it and of myself. Like.. Was I worthy?.. Did I deserve it? Am I good enough to love… So many questions.. And everyday it became more and more of second guessing my choices and feelings. You see. I’d learn to accept the fact that I was garbage.( That’s what happens when you are told over and over that you are garbage) I actually believed that I was. I did things because I was told to and for me if I didn’t then I’d get punished someway. From being tormented everyday emotionally,psychologically, and physically. I learned really quickly that my feelings weren’t important. So imagine how I felt when they were shown to be incredibly important. It was unimaginable to me. For the first time in my life I felt like I was the only girl on the planet. Ya ya I know some would sneer about that but it was true.
For the first time in my life I felt that my heart was safe. You see that’s what comfort is to me. It’s knowing for certainty that my heart IS safe. That’s my peace. But even with that I was still terrified. I was just existing up to this point. I had a serious broken spirit. That was a result of years upon years of being broken down every day with all the sheer disappointments not only in myself but in my life. To made to feel like I was insignificant, invisible. I didn’t know anything else. To me it was norm everyday life. But when this happened I was flying blind. I would wake everyday eager to face the day. I actually had a bounce in my step. I had a smile that wouldn’t quit. I felt my feelings for the first time. I felt my soul. And the feeling I had was so overwhelming sometimes that I’d have to stop and ask myself if I was truly feeling what I was. And that feeling started me to over think everything to start making mistakes. I was trying to be perfect. I had thought that if I was that I wouldn’t lose anything else. But it had the adverse effect on me. By trying to be perfect I forgot a lot of simple things. I became this overly excited person that stopped thinking cognitively. Ya, I had to accept the fact that I wasn’t perfect. Then that fear which had been festering inside creeped out of it’s hiding spot. And per usual I started to become so scared that I wouldn’t do the right thing or say the right thing. And that I would eventually lose . So I ended up over compensating. You see the heart learns over time to protect itself and ends up creating doubts for that protection. And when you already are broken it’s hard not to fall back into those doubts.
Part of that dream was for me to hear those words that are so powerful all the time. I swore I’d never tire of hearing them. “I LOVE YOU “ To me those words mean everything. Others throw them away like they have no meaning but I had never heard them said before with that certainty. That was as an insatiable hunger. Almost I guess like a bubble of protection around my heart. So when those words weren’t spoken. The demons of doubt creeped out and took over ..
So, you have heard my story. How you can live your life with such dreams. But how your heart can create such a mess with self doubt. Even though it feels it doubting it’s real. As I sit here writing this. I keep asking myself how to turn this around so I stop doubting and making mistakes. Is that wrong? How do I fix this? I’ve never been authentically loved before. All I know is that my heart loves deeply and authentically. Maybe sometimes too much. I just don’t want to lose this feeling.©
To my Heart be true💕
heaven's sent 