Is it real

I’m writing this as a form of therapy. I don’t know if anyone will read it but I guess that it is what it is.

My whole life has been a series of events in which I ended up hurting in one way or another. From surface pain to deep soul crushing pain. It didn’t seem to matter how much I tried to keep my head up I somehow felt like I was always drowning.

You see my whole life I had one dream. This dream kept me alive through some of the most painful events I went through. It had a voice attached to it . It was constant and said the same thing every time. It would say ” I’ll be with you soon” Every time the same voice.

I struggled to gain some self worth. It was a constant battle for me. It was like I’d gain some confidence just to lose it all over some thing that might have been said or done. It was kinda like walking on lava stones up Mount Fuji. 2 steps forward..1 step back. I never understood why I couldn’t get past a certain point.

Through it all, I fought. My dream stayed consistent. Maybe it was just that. A dream. All I knew was that I felt that there was more out there than just what I was experiencing. Beyond the expectations of those who had every bit of control over me.

Then out of the blue. I fell deeply into love. My very first time. I. Was terrified and didn’t know what to do. I tried to stay calm but I felt like I was losing my mind. Everything was different. Everything was brighter. I felt like I was flying.. It was the first time that I had felt something that wasn’t expected by others. I felt free.

Unfortunately for me the story stayed the same. For the smallest amount of freedom I felt there was a crashing in which my soul felt like it had been crushed beyond repair. I felt like a pet project like a time waster. My dream had been crushed. I seriously didn’t understand. My fear which had disappeared had reared it’s ugly head and I once again started to feel like I wasn’t worth anything. Not worthy of this dream that had kept me alive. To love as to be loved. I’ve watched so many people who have this uncanny ability to just be loved. Truthfully I’m happy for them but I also keep asking myself.”why am I not worth love”.

Between that drowning and all the health issues I have had to go through. I have asked myself if it was worth it and I am so sorry to say for me it wasn’t. Because since then I have battled my mental health and have tried to keep it on a even level but it has become such a war to do so. I have tried to stay positive about it and sometimes I have actually felt like I had made headway, but then there are days where I feel like I can’t breathe. All I can do is pray that somehow I can refeel that feeling again.

So, I ask the question.. is it real or is Love a construct of a mind that craves to belong? Maybe I’ll get my answer maybe not!